How to be Polite in Colombia: Greetings

Greetings are an important part of any culture. When you begin to study another language, saying “hello” is the first thing you learn. As I compile my list of little cultural things I’ve observed in Colombia, this one comes up most in my daily life. If you want to be polite and fit in, especially in the part of the country where I live, you need to get greetings right. But getting it “right” sometimes feels unnatural or uncomfortable for me.

An Encounter in Hawaii

To illustrate: Several years ago, I was at a beach called Hapuna on the Kohala coast of Hawai’i island with a group of my high school classmates. It’s a popular beach near our small town, so running into people you know there is common. At one point, a young man approached us. It was Malachi, who’d been a couple of years behind us in high school. We attended a high school of about 300 kids, so our whole group knew him, though most of us hadn’t been close with him then or seen him in the decade since.

He went around the group and greeted each one of us, with local-style handshakes for the men, a kiss on the cheek and a hug for the women. He chatted with us for a few minutes before going on his way. After he left, I remember talking with one of my friends about how polite Malachi was and how we’d always thought he was a nice kid when we knew him in high school.

Overlaps in What is Polite

Greetings in Colombia have caught my attention. They’re very similar to, but still noticeably different from, what I grew up around. In Hawaii, it’s normal and polite to greet people with a hug. A kiss on the cheek is also common between two women or a woman and a man. It’s relatively common to greet people with a hug and a kiss when you’re meeting them for the first time, especially in culturally traditional spaces. In Colombia, all of the above is also true.

However, what Malachi did was notable to us for how good his manners were. Not everyone in Hawaii would do that. Many of the other people with whom I went to high school would have waved to our group from a distance or possibly ignored us completely. Or they might’ve said a general hello to everyone and chatted with one or two people they knew better. In Colombia, most people always do what Malachi did. When they arrive at a gathering or happen upon a group of friends or acquaintances, they individually greet each person, usually making physical contact. Someone who fails to do this would likely be the topic of criticism. I’ve sometimes heard Colombians complain about people who strike them as very rude, and their chief complaint is, “He doesn’t even say hello.”

To Hug or Not to Hug

I’m aware that these cultural expectations exist on a spectrum. When I was seventeen, I spent a summer studying Japanese in upstate New York, and one of the first friends I made out there was Brandon, a guy from my program who was from nearby Connecticut. After one of our first afternoons hanging out, as we said goodbye, I hugged him–as I would a new friend back home in Hawaii.

But he kind of froze. It was awkward, and I had to think about it for a while after the fact to figure out why. Eventually, it hit me. Brandon grew up in a culture where you would never hug someone you’ve just met. In most of the US, the culture is a bit adverse to touch, especially between people who don’t know each other well. So, what felt normal to me was too intimate for him.

The spectrum is about where you draw the line between people to hug and not to hug. In Hawaii, it feels pretty normal to hug someone in an initial introduction, but after that, I usually only greet people with hugs if I have a closer relationship with them. In Colombia, I get the impression that all acquaintances are hugging all the time. I get hugs and kisses from friends and my boyfriend’s family, but also the parking attendant who works outside my apartment building, the people working at the real estate office that manages my apartment rental, and my supervisor at the foundation where I do volunteer work. The threshold is lower. It’s a little weird at first, but you get used to it.

An Introvert’s Nightmare

For me, more than the physical touch, the thing that feels uncomfortable is the expectation that you will individually greet each person that way in every context. Arrive at a gathering, no matter how formal or informal, and the idea is that you’ll immediately go around and say hello with a hug and kiss to everyone you know, and introduce yourself to everyone you don’t. Before you leave, you must do it again.

I’m an introvert, and that often feels exhausting to me. Sometimes I’m itching to leave a gathering, but I delay my departure because I know that I first have to pass through the gauntlet of farewells. Where I’m from, if you go to a party or a meeting, a general hello and goodbye for everyone at once will usually suffice. But when I do that in Colombia, I’m conscious that people are judging me–or at best, consciously making an exception for me because they know I’m a foreigner. My natural impulses sometimes come into conflict with the cultural standards of politeness.

The Greeting Arsenal

Another thing that has struck me about greetings in Colombian Spanish is the sheer number of phrases you need to understand in order to have this most basic interaction. When you’re first learning a new language, you often learn to introduce yourself and ask, “How are you?” It seems to be pretty universal. In Spanish, you’ll likely learn “Cómo estás?” But it turns out that there are over a dozen other ways to ask someone how they’re doing. And in Colombia, you might be confused if you don’t understand all of them.

Here are some that I’ve heard a lot:

• Cómo estás? Cómo está? – “How are you?”
• Qué más? – This one is very Paisa, and literally means, “What else?” When I first heard it, I thought people were asking me for more information about how/what I was doing. They were not. The correct answer is bien–good.
• Quihubo? – This one is also very Paisa. It’s like a contraction of “Qué hubo?” which means “What was there?” The answer to this is also bien.
• Cómo vas? Cómo va? – These are the same, both translate literally as, “How do you go?” They just use different verb conjugations depending on if you’re calling someone tú or usted.
• Cómo te va? Cómo le va? – Very similar to the above, but this one is more like, “How are things going for you?”
• Cómo te ha ido? Cómo le ha ido? – Basically the same question with a different verb tense. “How have things gone for you?”
• Qué has hecho? Qué ha hecho? – “What have you done?” They don’t actually want to know what you’ve done. The answer, once again, is bien.
• Bien o qué? Bien o no? – “Good or what?” or “Good or no?”
• Entonces – This one just means “So” or “Then” and it’s often followed by one of the above questions. But in this context, sometimes people just say “Entonces!” or “‘Tonces!” and the question is implied. And the answer is bien.
• Qué pasa? – I think this one must be more Mexican because I’ve heard it a lot in the US, but not in Colombia. It literally means “What’s happening?” and I think Colombians probably use it more literally, like, “What is going on [with X situation]?”
• Qué tal? – I don’t hear this one much as a greeting in Colombia, but it’s common in some other Spanish-speaking countries. It’s kind of like “What’s up?” or “How’s it going?” The correct answer is, “Good.”

The More the Merrier

Colombians will often stack these greeting phrases, so something like this is a pretty common exchange:

“Hola, Juan Manuel! Quihubo?”

“Esteban! ‘Tonces! Bien o qué?”

“Muy bien, gracias a díos. Y a usted, cómo le va? Qué ha hecho?”

“Bien, bien. Qué más?”

“Me alegra mucho. Todo bien, parce.”

You might notice that each of these guys asked, “How are you?” three different ways. And the answer is always “I’m good.” Even when the literal translation of the question is something more specific, people interpret it as, “How are you?” Like many other Latinos, Colombians are overwhelmingly Catholic, so when you ask someone how they’re doing, you often hear, “I’m doing very well, thanks to God.” Then, they will probably ask at least one more time in a different way. People also end phone conversations in this prolonged way, taking turns with three goodbyes or more. “Chao pues. Bueno pues. Díos te bendiga. Hasta luego. Bueno. Cuídate mucho.”

Turns Out, My Default is Rude

To an efficient, impatient American, this sometimes feels redundant and unnecessary. Like, I already told you, I’m good. Why are you asking two more times? But in Colombia, the greeting ritual is hugely important. Even in WhatsApp conversations with businesses. For example, if you’re inquiring about making a reservation at a restaurant or hiring someone to repair your fridge, you must ask, “How are you?” before you get to the point. I’ve received important texts from my apartment building administrator and my rental company, and they always start with, “Hola Sachi, cómo estás?” and then they don’t say what they need from me until I’ve replied, “Muy bien, gracias, y tú?” even if it’s urgent and I don’t see their initial greeting message for a while.

As far as I can tell, getting directly to the point is considered brusque and even rude. I, on the other hand, in a business setting, or even texting my friends or family, will often start a conversation without so much as a “Hello.” It’s straight to, “Hey, are we still meeting up this afternoon?”

Sometimes, I forget my Colombian manners or let my impatience get the best of me. When this happens, I can often tell that my Colombian conversation partners are taken aback or offended. Like if a walk into a store and say, “Hi, I’m looking for a jacket,” I might be met with, “Hola, buenas tardes, cómo está?” by means of correction. And I have to back off and do the ritual, “Muy bien, gracias, y usted?” before I can ask about the jacket. In Colombia, I’ve had to train myself to slow down.

Where Did This Come From?

I sometimes talk about Colombians like they’re a monolith, but it’s a pretty big country–1.6 times the size of Texas. Just like within the US, there’s a lot of regional cultural variation. I think that variation is even more pronounced in Colombia because it’s so mountainous. Before modern air travel and highways, those physical barriers caused Colombian sub-cultures to develop in isolation from one another. So the standards of politeness where I live are probably pretty different from what you’ll find in other parts of the country.

The people in the region where I live (paisas) are known for being really warm and kind. This welcoming friendliness and politeness is a big part of their culture. Why did their culture develop this way, and why is this so important? My theory is that it has to do with the rural setting. There aren’t a lot of big cities in this area, and the ones that are larger have only grown to this size in recent history. So, even though I live in a very modern city, most residents are not more than a couple of generations removed from rural life, and they retain the small-town warmth and manners that their grandparents taught them. I’d posit that something similar is going on in the South of the US.

Meanwhile, if you send a paisa to Bogotá , they will likely come back complaining about how rude and cold the people there can be. Bogotá is a huge city–over 11.5 million people. And just like New Yorkers, the rolos (a nickname for people from Bogotá) have a reputation for being brusque and unfriendly. I think it’s just a survival mechanism in a densely populated city. So, it’s true that I don’t always fit in here; the paisa greeting ritual sometimes feels cumbersome, and often, it takes a conscious effort for me to do what is socially acceptable. But I’m still from Hawaii, and I’d still choose this over a culture where hugs are weird.